Ok - so I might be going to Hell for this post, but I think it is funny and potentially worth it. So Lisa and I were talking about video games and somehow we decided I should make a Jesus themed video game. I then decided to see what was available in the genre. Apparently it is chock full of boring ass games that only the lamest kid would play. Who wants to go on a fantastic voyage to read bible verses and then travel around and visit with people? Not I, nor any child that isn't a Dugger. I found one somewhat promising game, the picture above is taken from the game, where Jesus, the Prophet Muhammad, Buddha, God and the Hindu god Ganesh fight each other against a backdrop of burning buildings. It is called "Faith Fighter." That might not be too bad. I pictured a Mortal Kombat setting with some godlike figures using their special powers to rip out spinal cords. Not quite as cool, and the game designers offer other gems such as PedoPriest and Queerpower, where I think gays fight priests. Kind of lame in my opinion. Another option is . Click and you can see for yourself this is a market that needs lots of help. See below for a tiny screenshot of the main page.
Pretty sad. I wondered, what was a cool kid that wanted to have a Jesus video game to do? There had to be a better option. So I kept searching. I found what I thought would be my game.....the Left Behind people have made a video game. I knew when I read the name of the game that I would not be disappointed. And I am not. In the words of one of the reviewers, "Jesus Loves A Machine Gun / It's the new "Left Behind" video game where you maim and murder and hate all in God's name. Praise!" In the words of the video game advertisement itself, "Imagine: you are a foot soldier in a paramilitary group whose purpose is to remake America as a Christian theocracy and establish its worldly vision of the dominion of Christ over all aspects of life. You are issued high-tech military weaponry and instructed to engage the infidel on the streets of New York City. You are on a mission -- both a religious mission and a military mission -- to convert or kill Catholics Jews Muslims Buddhists gays and anyone who advocates the separation of church and state -- especially moderate mainstream Christians. Your mission is 'to conduct physical and spiritual warfare'; all who resist must be taken out with extreme prejudice." SWEET! I can't wait to buy this game and smite all the non-believers that get in my way. Then I learn that I can even choose to fight on the side of the anti-Christ. Imagine my joy at knowing now I can shoot all the stupid happy Christians. Maybe I even get to have red skin. Can someone please buy me this game for my birthday this year?
I don't think I can go another year without playing it. If I wasn't already in my pajamas and it wasn't windy outside and I didn't just take a shower and if it wasn't January and if I wasn't a little sleepy and if I didn't have an open soda I might just run right out and buy it right now. Look at the awesome game cover art. Why oh why can't they make this game for the PS3? I would totally buy it when it went in the bargain bin at Best Buy. Ok so I still think I could make a better game than this one. Here are some of the ideas for my game....Players could choose whether they wanted to be good or evil, and have the option of either being converted or sell their soul during the game. Once a side is chosen, then they can choose to play on the Good Side as Jesus or one of his disciples. On the evil side, you can be Judas or the Devil, or just some random Pharisee. Then not only do you fight the other side, you try to convert the masses and win converts to your side. Of course there is a time machine and the players can jump through time. Of course there are also ZOMBIES just because I like them so much. Whatever you kill will come back to life and make another attempt to get you. You can hurl all the racial and sexist slurs you want in the privacy of your own home. The bonus level will be where you join forces with your enemy and fight the French and the hippies. Why you ask? EVERYONE HATES HIPPIES AND THE FRENCH! This is common knowledge. Admit it, you hate them, too. You wish you could walk right up to a commune and lob a grenade or better yet break out the heavy armor and hit them with water cannons. I know I do. Then after defeating those enemies, you return to your battle. I think this is a great concept. Now I just need funding and some people to help me develop it. Anyone up for the task?
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