blah

Vengeance is mine sayeth the raven
Rat a tat tat goes the tommy gun
The rosebush looks so harmless in the moonlight
Watch out for his thorns

The rest of the poems

Looking for some feedback from the peeps!


Count Down

I kissed my dolly good night
As mommy tucked me in.
She closes the curtains
So the moon doesn’t take me again.
Daddy turns on the nightlight
Before pulling the string,
“I vant to suck your blood.”
I drift off to dream.

Grace

Pfft pfft pfft. That’s the sound of my lover.
My friend, my confidant, my business partner
Thwack thwack thwack hear the voice of my only friend
Petulant is the man that thinks he knows the answers
My companion, cold steel beauty, my reason for living
Ask and ye shall receive – pay and ye shall receive more
Bang bang bang no need for quiet this time
Penitent is the man that wishes he had something in which to believe
Watch the target fall, slip away, no one escapes in the end
I grant favors but they come with a price
God also grants favors, are those costs any less
Naïve is the man who believes in transcendence
Hire me to remove all of your problems,
Beg Him to take you away
At least my way has predictable outcomes
Repentant is the man who wishes he chose me.

My Children

Fe Fi Fo Fum
I smell the blood of an Englishman
Whimpering again about why I don’t intervene

These days I feel overwhelmed and unappreciated.
Some say I am dead or never existed - such lack of faith
I grew weary years ago
Of all the lies and hypocrisy
I am not sure anything on earth can interest me now.
Why should I act?
What’s in it for me?
Preachers preach – blah blah blah
Parishioners sin – what can you do?

Three blind mice, three blind mice,
See how they run, see how they run,
I closed the gates to heaven long ago
Only purgatory awaits the dying
Think about correcting all your own problems
Before you bother me
With your sorrows

Scar

As the sun comes up, I am going down.
Nothing ruins the night like the day.
Chasing the moon from the sky,
The sun splashed wretched through the windowpanes.
It extinguishes the safety of the unknown
And the shadows hide in the corners
Where they belong.
Although the world is much more interesting,
When light hides in the corners


Thing (I can’t put my finger on it)


Tiptoeing down the hallway
She carried her shoes in her hands
Thighs spent and sore from the night
Hoping not to make a sound
She hopes that he’s sleeping,
Her new lover filled all of her needs
Her old one none of the above
Involuntarily she thinks of her lover
Night comes quickly in the winter
No one can escape the dying light
Never thought she would find passion
Growing in the unlikeliest of places
God’s house is where she goes for her escape.

Another poem

Carousel

Walking down the alley behind the abandoned building
I thought I heard the sound of laughter
Pieces of broken doll lie in the gutter covered in leaves
Raindrops form puddles around my feet
My shoes soaked but I didn’t notice
I stared at the ruins for some time
For sale sign crooked in the yard
No one had been interested in years
The jungle gym was rusty and crumbling
No child’s sweat had oiled it in some time
I closed my eyes and saw the past
Two girls running from the Sisters
Two girls inseparable…
I open my eyes
One girl standing in the rain alone
One grave in the parish yard down the alley
NKR 2008

On Writing

Like most women in my family, I write. Some of us write short stories, some of us write poems, and some write term papers for their kids (not naming any names or anything). I think we write because we are natural storytellers, exaggerating most of what occurred. We can take an ordinary visit to the drive thru and make it a heart stopping tale of adventure, courage, and survival. No kidding, spend time with a Smith woman (and maybe even a Smith man) and we will spin some real whoppers. Now there is truth in all of the stories, but you should learn to question us and question often. I do guarantee you will enjoy most of them, that is until like some of our spouses and significant others, you have heard the stories multiple times. Then you learn to tune us out.

My actual point to this blog is that I have been toying with the idea of writing a novel for years. I took some writing classes in college, like everyone else. Then I took a creative writing class at UALR a couple of years ago and enjoyed it. Mostly I liked stirring up trouble by writing some controversial items that sort of freaked out the older ladies in the class. What I did discover about myself is that I do have the ability to write, although from my blogs you wouldn't be able to tell. Blogs are very stream of consciousness for me. I think my first attempt at writing is going to be a book of short stories. I know they are not so fashionable these days, but I do love a good short story and it is not like this is my day job, so what the hell?

I did decide I would post a couple of my pieces from that class and see what kind of feedback I get. So feel free to comment.

Push

The air was still on this December morning.
Light shone through the plate glass window
Scattering diamonds across the red carpet.
I could see my breath in front of my face calm and steady.
Standing in line were mostly housewives at this early hour;
Lined up like dominos on a card table in the park.
I tossed my coffee cup in the trash outside in the entryway
Passing the automated teller machines and the service table.
I avoided eye contact with the guard – stayed out of the camera path.
Slipping my hand inside my jacket as I walked,
I caught the eye of my compadre entering the other door.
As I prepared to begin another business day,
I pictured the man in the park crying out “Domino,”
As his opponent scattered dominos across the table.
I prepared to do the same.

NKR - 2008

My belated post regarding my grandmother

I have had this post in my head since I went to Ohio for my grandfather's funeral. I haven't been able to post it, or frankly anything else since that time. Call it writer's block, or possibly call it an emotional block, which is closer to the truth of the matter. I try to keep my emotions private from most people, at least the ones that matter. I was overwhelmed with emotion at my grandfather's funeral, seeing how much he meant to so many people. I have grown up away from the family. I am a virtual stranger to most of them, as they are to me. My grandfather meant a lot to my cousins, he served as a substitute father to several of them. I didn't know him as well as some of my male cousins, he was always more comfortable with the boys than the girls, but that didn't make him any less special to me, or me to him. He just grew up in an age where boys were boys and girls were girls. I always threw those lines out the window and I think I confused him with that. He worked hard, and served as a positive example for everyone around him. He will be missed.



My grandmother transcended everything a woman was supposed to be in her time. She was and still is beautiful. Right now she is not doing well. My mom called to tell me today that they have said to call in the family, that she will not last much longer. This is both a blessing and a travesty. It may sound heartless of me to call it a blessing, but my grandmother was a vibrant, amazing woman and she is now a shell of her former self. My grandmother didn't take crap from anyone and she taught me at an early age that a woman can accomplish anything she wants. She grew up in rural West Virginia and realized at any early age that the dating pool was very small and

decided to run away from home and join the WACs for WWII. The recruiter told her she was underage and someday someone would figure it out and she would get shipped home from wherever in the world she happened to be at the moment. She then ran off with my biological grandfather to Benton, Arkansas, and worked in a munitions factory while he was stationed at Camp Robinson. After marrying him and returning to Ohio she eventually left him because of the drinking and the abuse. She got a divorce in a time that most women would have been beaten to death or let their children be beaten to death. Grandma never got welfare or any child support. She went to work as a telephone operator in Hur, WV and also worked some odd jobs on the side to support my mom and my uncle. She met my grandfather after she moved to Spencer WV after taking a job as a factory worker. My grandfather had to work hard to woo her because she was a feisty stubborn women who didn't need a man in her life. But love pervailed and they got married and stayed that way until his death this year. My grandma is a tiny woman, but with a giant heart and mouth. I remember her taking up for her family and never backing down in an argument when she thought that she was right. She always drove a huge car, and sometimes sat

on a phone book to be able to see over the top of the steering wheel. She would smoke with one hand, always her Salem Lights, and drive with the other hand as she slung our tiny bodies around the back seat of her cars. She drove fast and without errors. People who didn't know my grandmother were terrified of her driving, I always knew we would be safe. My grandmother was bulletproof. My uncle told me a story when we were going to the funeral that made me smile.... once upon a time he and his boyfriend had broken up and he was very upset. He called my grandmother because he was looking to talk to someone. She told him that he was better than the situation and that he deserved someone who would treat him right. He said she actually told him something to the effect of "wash that man right out of your hair!" My family tends to tell tall tales, we are overly dramatic about most things, but this is one story I believe is pure fact. Grandma never let anyone hold her back. Grandma also saw people for who they were inside, no bullcrap could fool

her. Grandma has movie star good looks. In another place and time, she could have been on the big screen. My grandmother is the most amazing woman I have ever known in person. She cooked some of the most delicious meals I have ever eaten. I still talk of her strawberry and chocolate pies, as well as the apple dumplings that I haven't had in 20 years. I remember when I turned 18 and I was a smoker, I was so scared that my grandmother was going to get angry at me for smoking. She wasn't angry at all.
In fact, she demanded I went out to the car and got my cigarettes and smoked with her at the kitchen table. She told me since I was an adult now, I should make adult decisions. It was the "with great power comes great responsibility" talk.

Right now at this moment, my grandmother is in her bed in a nursing home in Beverly Ohio. She is at times, non-responsive. At other times, she is hateful, and sometimes sad. She wanted to go home to West Virginia. She doesn't know where she is and she doesn't know what is happening to her. I find it a bullshit end to a woman I have admired my entire life. She deserved to go out in a way that honored her. She deserves to go out in a way that she got to know what was going on. She doesn't deserve to have her memory and her dignity stolen from her by some bullshit dementia. She wouldn't want to see anyone suffer as she has suffered. I hope that in the end, she doesn't know what is going on and she doesn't know what has happened to her. She would be pissed and she would be looking to kick all our asses for not taking her out before any of this could happen to her. My grandmother is the kind of woman that wars were fought over, and the kind of woman who has inspired us all to be more than we could possibly hope to be.

Eula Blanche Allen, you have inspired me to be the best woman that I could possibly be, and no matter where your earthly mind might be, I know that your spiritual mind knows that this is all bullshit and that you are laughing at all of us.

Stuck in an airport with no electrical outlets

As I type, the battery on my laptop is slowly draining and dying. I am stuck at the Pittsburgh airport until approximately 1130 this evening (EST) because my poor uncle's flight got delayed and it seemed stupid for both of us to rent cars to drive 2 hours to my grandmother's. Plus we leave from the same airport at the same time on Sunday so it would have been a waste of money to get another one. So instead I am sitting in the food court killing time. I walked the airport looking for an electrical outlet 1. not in a bathroom and 2. not next to the trash can outside the bathroom, and I have concluded that this airport is the most unfriendly electrical outlet airport I have ever been in. Strangely enough, they have a great free wireless service that I am taking advantage of. I think maybe they added that as an afterthought and then realized they had no budget for things like plugs. I have 4 and 1/2 hours left here and I guess I am going to have to go sit outside the bathroom with my laptop plugged in. Sad....... I also have been doing my best not to drink beer. Normally I would have just sat at the bar and had a grand old time while waiting, but since Lent is not over for another week, I can't do that. Instead I went to TGI Fridays and while my dinner was the light menu dragonfire chicken (10g Fat < 500 calories) I cheated and ate about half of the spinich and artichoke appitizer. God knows how many calories were in that. But honestly it was either that or get a delicious dessert or have a drink (or seven). I went to Mayorga coffee afterwards for coffee and ordered a small regular coffee. Wow - let's just say there is a reason Pittsburgh is not famous for coffee. It was actually not even as good as McDonalds coffee, which is what I will be getting for myself in the near future.

As far as my diet goes, I am positive I have lost at least a few inches, but the frustrating thing the last week was no weight loss. No weight gain, which is positive, but no loss either. I know you hit plateaus, but I did not expect to hit one so soon since I really have been controlling what I put into my body. Perhaps I am not eating enough small snacks to get my metabolism going. Does anyone have suggestions besides fruit and nuts because I have been eating the crap out of those.

OMG! I have become a hippy.

Hi I'm Nikki and I have become a hippy. I don't even know when it happened. It just must have snuck up on me one day between the fresh watermelon lime juice from the farmer's market and the organic white honey from Teavana. As I am writing this blog, I am drinking my nightly cup of White Earl Grey tea with organic sugar and honey. Yes, I drink one of these every night now. Then when I wake up in the morning I use my hot water purifier thing to french press (yes, I said french press) my freshly ground (in lisa's grinder) coffee that was purchased and probably roasted locally. Yes, I ground my own beans. Then once a week I go to Whole Foods and buy my meat from the butcher guys. Then I get some fresh veggies, local if possible, and buy my milk from a local dairy without HGH. I use butter and not margarine. I get organic yogurt with honey sometimes and then I buy my Perrier with lime. Dammit! Can you vote republican and drink perrier? Can you rail against the EIC and sip tea at the same time? Pretty soon I will be driving a Prius and dreadlocking my hair. I think I am going to have to buy that Dodge Challenger I keep eyeing just so I can retain some semblance of my former self.

On the diet front, I think along with my newfound hippiness, I am actually learning to eat right. We are cooking at home most nights, with very limited fast food. I have eaten a little bread, but it is limited and definitely enjoyed in moderation. I am not eating anything late at night and I am snacking on small healthier items like nuts and cheese throughout the day. I eat breakfast every day now. I am drinking lots of water, and not so many sodas. I used to drink 4 or 5 diet cokes a day - now 2 would be a heavy day. I only lost one pound last week, but I do feel like I have dropped a pants size. My pants are super loose, and the next size down is still a little snug, but I am very close to being able to wear that size comfortably. So I have lost 11 lbs in 6 weeks. That puts me 1 lb behind schedule, but I will be able to exercise more with the longer days and warmer weather and should be able to make it up at some point.