blah

Vengeance is mine sayeth the raven
Rat a tat tat goes the tommy gun
The rosebush looks so harmless in the moonlight
Watch out for his thorns

The rest of the poems

Looking for some feedback from the peeps!


Count Down

I kissed my dolly good night
As mommy tucked me in.
She closes the curtains
So the moon doesn’t take me again.
Daddy turns on the nightlight
Before pulling the string,
“I vant to suck your blood.”
I drift off to dream.

Grace

Pfft pfft pfft. That’s the sound of my lover.
My friend, my confidant, my business partner
Thwack thwack thwack hear the voice of my only friend
Petulant is the man that thinks he knows the answers
My companion, cold steel beauty, my reason for living
Ask and ye shall receive – pay and ye shall receive more
Bang bang bang no need for quiet this time
Penitent is the man that wishes he had something in which to believe
Watch the target fall, slip away, no one escapes in the end
I grant favors but they come with a price
God also grants favors, are those costs any less
Naïve is the man who believes in transcendence
Hire me to remove all of your problems,
Beg Him to take you away
At least my way has predictable outcomes
Repentant is the man who wishes he chose me.

My Children

Fe Fi Fo Fum
I smell the blood of an Englishman
Whimpering again about why I don’t intervene

These days I feel overwhelmed and unappreciated.
Some say I am dead or never existed - such lack of faith
I grew weary years ago
Of all the lies and hypocrisy
I am not sure anything on earth can interest me now.
Why should I act?
What’s in it for me?
Preachers preach – blah blah blah
Parishioners sin – what can you do?

Three blind mice, three blind mice,
See how they run, see how they run,
I closed the gates to heaven long ago
Only purgatory awaits the dying
Think about correcting all your own problems
Before you bother me
With your sorrows

Scar

As the sun comes up, I am going down.
Nothing ruins the night like the day.
Chasing the moon from the sky,
The sun splashed wretched through the windowpanes.
It extinguishes the safety of the unknown
And the shadows hide in the corners
Where they belong.
Although the world is much more interesting,
When light hides in the corners


Thing (I can’t put my finger on it)


Tiptoeing down the hallway
She carried her shoes in her hands
Thighs spent and sore from the night
Hoping not to make a sound
She hopes that he’s sleeping,
Her new lover filled all of her needs
Her old one none of the above
Involuntarily she thinks of her lover
Night comes quickly in the winter
No one can escape the dying light
Never thought she would find passion
Growing in the unlikeliest of places
God’s house is where she goes for her escape.

Another poem

Carousel

Walking down the alley behind the abandoned building
I thought I heard the sound of laughter
Pieces of broken doll lie in the gutter covered in leaves
Raindrops form puddles around my feet
My shoes soaked but I didn’t notice
I stared at the ruins for some time
For sale sign crooked in the yard
No one had been interested in years
The jungle gym was rusty and crumbling
No child’s sweat had oiled it in some time
I closed my eyes and saw the past
Two girls running from the Sisters
Two girls inseparable…
I open my eyes
One girl standing in the rain alone
One grave in the parish yard down the alley
NKR 2008

On Writing

Like most women in my family, I write. Some of us write short stories, some of us write poems, and some write term papers for their kids (not naming any names or anything). I think we write because we are natural storytellers, exaggerating most of what occurred. We can take an ordinary visit to the drive thru and make it a heart stopping tale of adventure, courage, and survival. No kidding, spend time with a Smith woman (and maybe even a Smith man) and we will spin some real whoppers. Now there is truth in all of the stories, but you should learn to question us and question often. I do guarantee you will enjoy most of them, that is until like some of our spouses and significant others, you have heard the stories multiple times. Then you learn to tune us out.

My actual point to this blog is that I have been toying with the idea of writing a novel for years. I took some writing classes in college, like everyone else. Then I took a creative writing class at UALR a couple of years ago and enjoyed it. Mostly I liked stirring up trouble by writing some controversial items that sort of freaked out the older ladies in the class. What I did discover about myself is that I do have the ability to write, although from my blogs you wouldn't be able to tell. Blogs are very stream of consciousness for me. I think my first attempt at writing is going to be a book of short stories. I know they are not so fashionable these days, but I do love a good short story and it is not like this is my day job, so what the hell?

I did decide I would post a couple of my pieces from that class and see what kind of feedback I get. So feel free to comment.

Push

The air was still on this December morning.
Light shone through the plate glass window
Scattering diamonds across the red carpet.
I could see my breath in front of my face calm and steady.
Standing in line were mostly housewives at this early hour;
Lined up like dominos on a card table in the park.
I tossed my coffee cup in the trash outside in the entryway
Passing the automated teller machines and the service table.
I avoided eye contact with the guard – stayed out of the camera path.
Slipping my hand inside my jacket as I walked,
I caught the eye of my compadre entering the other door.
As I prepared to begin another business day,
I pictured the man in the park crying out “Domino,”
As his opponent scattered dominos across the table.
I prepared to do the same.

NKR - 2008

My belated post regarding my grandmother

I have had this post in my head since I went to Ohio for my grandfather's funeral. I haven't been able to post it, or frankly anything else since that time. Call it writer's block, or possibly call it an emotional block, which is closer to the truth of the matter. I try to keep my emotions private from most people, at least the ones that matter. I was overwhelmed with emotion at my grandfather's funeral, seeing how much he meant to so many people. I have grown up away from the family. I am a virtual stranger to most of them, as they are to me. My grandfather meant a lot to my cousins, he served as a substitute father to several of them. I didn't know him as well as some of my male cousins, he was always more comfortable with the boys than the girls, but that didn't make him any less special to me, or me to him. He just grew up in an age where boys were boys and girls were girls. I always threw those lines out the window and I think I confused him with that. He worked hard, and served as a positive example for everyone around him. He will be missed.



My grandmother transcended everything a woman was supposed to be in her time. She was and still is beautiful. Right now she is not doing well. My mom called to tell me today that they have said to call in the family, that she will not last much longer. This is both a blessing and a travesty. It may sound heartless of me to call it a blessing, but my grandmother was a vibrant, amazing woman and she is now a shell of her former self. My grandmother didn't take crap from anyone and she taught me at an early age that a woman can accomplish anything she wants. She grew up in rural West Virginia and realized at any early age that the dating pool was very small and

decided to run away from home and join the WACs for WWII. The recruiter told her she was underage and someday someone would figure it out and she would get shipped home from wherever in the world she happened to be at the moment. She then ran off with my biological grandfather to Benton, Arkansas, and worked in a munitions factory while he was stationed at Camp Robinson. After marrying him and returning to Ohio she eventually left him because of the drinking and the abuse. She got a divorce in a time that most women would have been beaten to death or let their children be beaten to death. Grandma never got welfare or any child support. She went to work as a telephone operator in Hur, WV and also worked some odd jobs on the side to support my mom and my uncle. She met my grandfather after she moved to Spencer WV after taking a job as a factory worker. My grandfather had to work hard to woo her because she was a feisty stubborn women who didn't need a man in her life. But love pervailed and they got married and stayed that way until his death this year. My grandma is a tiny woman, but with a giant heart and mouth. I remember her taking up for her family and never backing down in an argument when she thought that she was right. She always drove a huge car, and sometimes sat

on a phone book to be able to see over the top of the steering wheel. She would smoke with one hand, always her Salem Lights, and drive with the other hand as she slung our tiny bodies around the back seat of her cars. She drove fast and without errors. People who didn't know my grandmother were terrified of her driving, I always knew we would be safe. My grandmother was bulletproof. My uncle told me a story when we were going to the funeral that made me smile.... once upon a time he and his boyfriend had broken up and he was very upset. He called my grandmother because he was looking to talk to someone. She told him that he was better than the situation and that he deserved someone who would treat him right. He said she actually told him something to the effect of "wash that man right out of your hair!" My family tends to tell tall tales, we are overly dramatic about most things, but this is one story I believe is pure fact. Grandma never let anyone hold her back. Grandma also saw people for who they were inside, no bullcrap could fool

her. Grandma has movie star good looks. In another place and time, she could have been on the big screen. My grandmother is the most amazing woman I have ever known in person. She cooked some of the most delicious meals I have ever eaten. I still talk of her strawberry and chocolate pies, as well as the apple dumplings that I haven't had in 20 years. I remember when I turned 18 and I was a smoker, I was so scared that my grandmother was going to get angry at me for smoking. She wasn't angry at all.
In fact, she demanded I went out to the car and got my cigarettes and smoked with her at the kitchen table. She told me since I was an adult now, I should make adult decisions. It was the "with great power comes great responsibility" talk.

Right now at this moment, my grandmother is in her bed in a nursing home in Beverly Ohio. She is at times, non-responsive. At other times, she is hateful, and sometimes sad. She wanted to go home to West Virginia. She doesn't know where she is and she doesn't know what is happening to her. I find it a bullshit end to a woman I have admired my entire life. She deserved to go out in a way that honored her. She deserves to go out in a way that she got to know what was going on. She doesn't deserve to have her memory and her dignity stolen from her by some bullshit dementia. She wouldn't want to see anyone suffer as she has suffered. I hope that in the end, she doesn't know what is going on and she doesn't know what has happened to her. She would be pissed and she would be looking to kick all our asses for not taking her out before any of this could happen to her. My grandmother is the kind of woman that wars were fought over, and the kind of woman who has inspired us all to be more than we could possibly hope to be.

Eula Blanche Allen, you have inspired me to be the best woman that I could possibly be, and no matter where your earthly mind might be, I know that your spiritual mind knows that this is all bullshit and that you are laughing at all of us.

Stuck in an airport with no electrical outlets

As I type, the battery on my laptop is slowly draining and dying. I am stuck at the Pittsburgh airport until approximately 1130 this evening (EST) because my poor uncle's flight got delayed and it seemed stupid for both of us to rent cars to drive 2 hours to my grandmother's. Plus we leave from the same airport at the same time on Sunday so it would have been a waste of money to get another one. So instead I am sitting in the food court killing time. I walked the airport looking for an electrical outlet 1. not in a bathroom and 2. not next to the trash can outside the bathroom, and I have concluded that this airport is the most unfriendly electrical outlet airport I have ever been in. Strangely enough, they have a great free wireless service that I am taking advantage of. I think maybe they added that as an afterthought and then realized they had no budget for things like plugs. I have 4 and 1/2 hours left here and I guess I am going to have to go sit outside the bathroom with my laptop plugged in. Sad....... I also have been doing my best not to drink beer. Normally I would have just sat at the bar and had a grand old time while waiting, but since Lent is not over for another week, I can't do that. Instead I went to TGI Fridays and while my dinner was the light menu dragonfire chicken (10g Fat < 500 calories) I cheated and ate about half of the spinich and artichoke appitizer. God knows how many calories were in that. But honestly it was either that or get a delicious dessert or have a drink (or seven). I went to Mayorga coffee afterwards for coffee and ordered a small regular coffee. Wow - let's just say there is a reason Pittsburgh is not famous for coffee. It was actually not even as good as McDonalds coffee, which is what I will be getting for myself in the near future.

As far as my diet goes, I am positive I have lost at least a few inches, but the frustrating thing the last week was no weight loss. No weight gain, which is positive, but no loss either. I know you hit plateaus, but I did not expect to hit one so soon since I really have been controlling what I put into my body. Perhaps I am not eating enough small snacks to get my metabolism going. Does anyone have suggestions besides fruit and nuts because I have been eating the crap out of those.

OMG! I have become a hippy.

Hi I'm Nikki and I have become a hippy. I don't even know when it happened. It just must have snuck up on me one day between the fresh watermelon lime juice from the farmer's market and the organic white honey from Teavana. As I am writing this blog, I am drinking my nightly cup of White Earl Grey tea with organic sugar and honey. Yes, I drink one of these every night now. Then when I wake up in the morning I use my hot water purifier thing to french press (yes, I said french press) my freshly ground (in lisa's grinder) coffee that was purchased and probably roasted locally. Yes, I ground my own beans. Then once a week I go to Whole Foods and buy my meat from the butcher guys. Then I get some fresh veggies, local if possible, and buy my milk from a local dairy without HGH. I use butter and not margarine. I get organic yogurt with honey sometimes and then I buy my Perrier with lime. Dammit! Can you vote republican and drink perrier? Can you rail against the EIC and sip tea at the same time? Pretty soon I will be driving a Prius and dreadlocking my hair. I think I am going to have to buy that Dodge Challenger I keep eyeing just so I can retain some semblance of my former self.

On the diet front, I think along with my newfound hippiness, I am actually learning to eat right. We are cooking at home most nights, with very limited fast food. I have eaten a little bread, but it is limited and definitely enjoyed in moderation. I am not eating anything late at night and I am snacking on small healthier items like nuts and cheese throughout the day. I eat breakfast every day now. I am drinking lots of water, and not so many sodas. I used to drink 4 or 5 diet cokes a day - now 2 would be a heavy day. I only lost one pound last week, but I do feel like I have dropped a pants size. My pants are super loose, and the next size down is still a little snug, but I am very close to being able to wear that size comfortably. So I have lost 11 lbs in 6 weeks. That puts me 1 lb behind schedule, but I will be able to exercise more with the longer days and warmer weather and should be able to make it up at some point.

Belated Blog

I have felt like something that had been run over the last 2 weeks, but today I feel human again. I still can't hear out of my left ear and my hearing in my right ear is still about 50% of normal, but I am not in pain. I can breathe out of my nose, although I still am a mucus factory. I could actually make the Guinness book of world records for all the snot that I have blown out the last 2 weeks. Usually by this time daily I feel as if I am drowning. Today I just feel congested. I have discovered that a combo of Red Bull, sinus medicine, and antibiotics has a strange speed effect - I keep licking my teeth like some strange meth head. So if you see me twitching, I swear it should be over with soon.

The diet has been going pretty well. Still been avoiding sweets and almost all bread. I haven't had a beer since Fat Tuesday although that Abita Strawberry is looking very delicious. I am down total about 10 lbs since I started which still is on pace with my 2 lbs per week goal. My pants are definitely a little looser. This is a good thing.

I'm ready for Spring. I am thinking of growing my hair out and I guess I need to decide whether I am or not because my hair is in that awkward Jonas brothers stage again where it is not cute. Thoughts? Cut it off again or grow out?

Late Diet Post

I should have posted this last week, but I was very busy with work and I never had time. I weighed in Wed down 2 lbs from the prior week so I am still on track.
I have had almost no bread and sweets and that has definitely been a huge challenge. The lack of beer is making me crazy, but not so much that I can't go without. I just am disappointed that the reemergence of Abita Strawberry coincides with Lent. Grr.
On a work note, it looks like I will be commuting back and forth to BTR for the next couple months at least. Those 330 AM wakeups are not so much fun.

Week 2 Weigh In

Week 2 - Last weekend was Mardi Gras and I did not watch what I ate as well as I have been. Plus I did drink beer. I did choose the MGD 64 lite beer, which for the record is not very tasty, and I don't think it has any alcohol in it. At least I felt like I was drinking beer and it wasn't as bad for me as my normal choice of beer. I didn't eat a lot of sweets, but I did have a piece or two of king cake and I remember eating McDonalds at least once.
Weighed in yesterday morning - I am down another 2.5 lbs. So although I was afraid I would have a setback I must have exercised enough to keep the results from being negative.
So far after 2 weeks (-5lbs)

On another note, since I am giving up bread and sugar for Lent and limiting my meat intake to high protein, low fat meats, I am hoping to possibly lose more than 2.5 lbs the next 4 weeks. We will see how that works out. I am finding it hard to choose what to eat and also trying to fight off guilt for eating period. It is weird how that works. I ate oatmeal yesterday and felt guilty about it although it didn't have any butter or sugar (which is the reason oatmeal is normally delicious).

I was trying out my friend Kate's suggestion with toast with peanut butter for breakfast but since toast is bread and peanut butter is full of sugar, that is now off the list. So I am open to suggestions about what I should eat.

One week into diet

Ok - so this will be short since I am tired and about to head for the shower and then bed. (Yes, getting up at 330am daily is kicking my butt.) I did my first weigh in and despite having a couple of cheat days I lost 2.5 lbs. So I have met my weekly goal of 2 lbs. This week I have been doing much better with consumption, but Erica is worried I am not eating healthy enough. I have only been eating a tiny snack for breakfast and then later on that evening - dinner. I need to be eating some small snacky fruits / vegetables / nuts throughout the day. This will be my goal after Mardi Gras. I haven't decided what to give up for Lent this year. Any suggestions are welcomed.....I am NOT giving up alcohol. I also don't think I can stop cussing. Ok, off to bed but week 1 was a success - next weigh in will be Ash Wednesday.
Base line - (0)
week 1 - (-2.5lbs)

Diet Cheat

Today has been a day full of cheating on my diet. First I skipped breakfast and was starving most of the morning. Then Jen's friend made homemade chocolates and I ate three. I am sure that was super fattening. Then I get home and ate the cheese off of some cheese fries and the burger out of a hamburger. Then I ate a vanilla tart from Le Madeleine. Ok, so today was a diet fail. I was stressed all day. Not an excuse, but definitely one of the reasons. Work has been kicking my ass all week. Some people play way too many games and too many people are all trying to get me into their alliance. I just want to do my job - not join a game of Survivor. Back in Baton Rouge again next week. Driving back and forth wears on me, but when I stay up there I can't sleep in the hotel very well. Screwed either way. I think I just lit a candle and I am having a pity party for one. Sorry about that. I think after I get some rest tonight that I will be more excited about the Saints and the Super Bowl tomorrow. I can't wait to celebrate the victory.

My one year weight loss goal

So although my vital statistics are pretty darn good....no high cholesterol, blood pressure, sugar, etc. I need to lose some significant weight. Doctors are always surprised by this, as if fat = sick. I come from a hardy bunch of people and we live long lives - mostly to annoy our loved ones I have discovered.
Prior to Katrina, I had worked pretty hard at maintaining a healthy weight and lifestyle. After Katrina, I let myself go. I threw myself into work with no regard for what I ate or when I ate it. I have never been blessed with a good metabolism, my little bro Ian got that. Damn him! This means I have always had to be careful about what I eat. As long as I stick to high protein, low carb, and low fat items I can stick around my goal weight. Katrina was the single most significant event in my life. It changed everything around me and especially me. I was so happy to get food the first few weeks after the storm I ate everything I could get my hands on. Which unfortunately, was mostly MREs. Oh how I loved the jalapeno squeeze cheese and crackers. Sometimes I would just squeeze the cheese right out of the packet and into my mouth. Disgusting right? Then I moved on to a daily dose of Dominos (it was the closet restaurant that opened) and at least 6 beers. Every single day I would consume enough calories for several people. Granted, I was working my tail off so it did not catch up to me until I got out of the warehouse and back in the office. Then 6 months later, I had gained 60 lbs. That is a lot of weight on a short girl. I stayed around that weight until last year when I managed to gain another 25 lbs. I think it correlates with my new found discovery of delicious breads and pastas.

Bottom line for me is, I am tired of being the fat girl. No offense to anyone that is happy and proud to be a fat girl, but this is not me. I have played sports and been athletic and active my whole life and it is time to start again. If my zombie conspiracy comes to fruition, how am I going to be able to run all day and hide in small places if my ass barely fits in an airline seat? I'm not, and I refuse to be zombie bait for the skinny fighters. So I have asked my friend Erica to be my mean lifestyle coach and send me text messages to keep me angry and motivated. I need to be motivated. I am one of those people who cannot turn down a challenge. You never met a dumber person than me when it comes to someone telling me I can't do something. That just makes me want it more. I have been lazy and I have disappointed myself. Lazy is something I have never been and I cannot go down that slippery slope anymore.

My goal is 100 lb weight loss in one year. I will be doing this with no diet pills, aids, or cheats. I will not be starving myself or employing any purging techniques. I believe everything can be good in moderation and with regular exercise and changing what I eat back to what I know I can eat, my goal will be achieved. I will post once a week my results for those of you that are interested. I am not embarrassed about my actual poundage. I figure that if you have seen me recently you know my butt is pretty hefty. If you are interested in what the actual number is, I will share. For now I will post one number, 0 as in that is my baseline.

Wish me luck. If I achieve my goal, my reward is going to include a vacation in Europe I have always wanted to take. Maybe some friends can join me!

Another old blog that still rings true

Buried Memories hurt more the 2nd time Current mood: contemplative
I don't usually blog because I don't have a lot to say, but the drowning death in Ouachita County this weekend brings back some old memories. (Brad, you may want to skip this if you pull up my blogs. I miss you a lot and hope to see you soon)
Growing up in Camden we didn't have a lot to do. We usually gathered in large groups and we drank. Sometimes we drove, sometimes we climbed objects we wouldn't have climbed sober, sometimes we swam. For the most part, nothing bad ever happened to us. We were lucky. Apparently, for a young man this weekend, he and his friends weren't. I have been swimming in the Little Missouri River before. I think anyone that grew up in Camden has. We have also swam in the "blue holes," the abandoned gravel pits out in East Camden, and at the "Canyons" at White Oak Lake. We consumed adult beverages in mass quantities and then swam. At the canyons we jumped off of the cliffs into shallow water. Who among us hasn't gotten their feet cut on the broken glass at the bottom? I have had to carry friends out of the woods to the car to go get bandages, and occasionally stitches. At the Little Missouri River we swam to the sandbars and laid in the sun. Often the boys would try to outswim each other across the river. No one ever drowned, but occasionally someone would have too much to drink and have to be helped back to the side. A kid drowned at the blue hole, but that never stopped us from going there. We didn't know him, so how did that affect us?
I didn't know the kid that died this weekend, he was not a friend of my brother. My best friend died the same way about 10 years ago. He and some friends were hanging out at the Arkansas River drinking and Mike decided to swim the river. He didn't make it. I still remember the phone call I got from my mom telling me Mike was in the ICU. Then she called to tell me he died. I cried and drank all night. I had some friends that came over and sat with me all night because I think they were worried I would go off the deep end. I cursed him and God the entire way from Baton Rouge to Fordyce for the funeral. It stormed and I felt like that was Mike telling me to stop yelling at him. I drove way too fast and friends and family are lucky there weren't two funerals instead of one.
I hadn't spoken to Mike in some time due to some conflicts we had about my break up with Chris. My mom had given me a matchbook that he and Brad had dropped by her house for me the previous weekend. I could have called him. We could have talked. I could have stopped being such a bitch. I was too busy to make that call, still angry at what he had said to me. Then he was gone, he was dead. I would never ever get to tell him that I was sorry, too. I was so angry at him for his stupid death. His needless stupid death that robbed so many of us of his presence. I remember when Cobain died. Mike came to get me and we drove around and he got so drunk and cried about the senseless death of someone with that kind of talent. He was so angry at Cobain. I was that angry at him for doing the same thing to the rest of us. There would never be another Ren and Stimpy fest at his mom's house, eating Count Chocula in bed, and laughing at the stupid music of King Missile. There would never be another staying up all night just talking about music and politics. I would never read another story that he wrote. No one would. I am still angry. I still go to the graveyard sometimes and put bud light bottle caps on the headstone. That is for all the times Mike had me drive to Chidester and get him a 40 at the corner store that never asked us for ID.
Sorry about all the rambling. I know how the friends of the dead man feel. They will never stop feeling that way. Sometimes you think you are okay - sometimes you even forget about it for awhile, but then on a day like today it comes back like a freight train.
Mike, if for some reason you can read blogs in heaven, I still miss you every day. I would drink a 40 and listen to some Cypress Hill, but my cd is long gone and I haven't had a 40 since college. Instead I will sit here and have a moment of silence for you and the man you would be today.

One of my favorite blogs....a repeat

We got some gifts for Christmas that I knew Wal Mart would take back so away I went. Hello, store credit! Everytime I go there, I am overwhelmed with multiple feelings....arrogance, pity, aggravation, superiority, and several others that I should not feel. I have also been frequenting www.peopleofwalmart.com and laughing at the sad people on the site so that probably makes me a bad person. That got me thinking about a time I went to Wal Mart and how it made me feel so I decided to repost an old post from a couple years ago since it still rings true today. I often get the urge to buy people things while I am in line. Sometimes I do, but it is never much money, usually a buck or two.

Original Post:
I try not to shop at Wal Mart, not because I am snobby or anti - Wal Mart, but merely because I hate the long check out lines. How can you have 40 lanes and only 4 cashiers? I would go elsewhere if I had a better choice here in Little Rock, but Harvest Foods is nasty, Kroger annoys me for some reason, and we don't have a Super Target or a Whole Foods. I usually go to the one on Chenal, which isn't so scary since most of the clientele are maids or soccer moms, but as I was killing time waiting on Lisa, I went to the Jacksonville Wal Mart, which is a very rural Wal Mart near the Air Force Base. Lots of military and rednecks. I have to say when I got there I hadn't ever seen such an interesting assortment of people in one place at one time. Apparently not only is Jacksonville Wal Mart the capital of interracial relationships involving platinum headed women and black men (which confused me because I thought people in Jacksonville were prejudiced), it is also the capital of middle-aged women with black eyes, Pentacostals in search of International Coffee sales, non-english speaking hispanics, men with eyepatches, and people who haven't bathed in several days. I felt very out of place, as I don't fit into any of those categories. At first, I was feeling pretty snotty and kept thinking horrible things in my head about these people. Giggling about the bad makeup and out of date fashions, then about the large amount of platinum hair dye probably sold at this store. Apparently my natural instinct is to feel superior to the people around me, which I need to change if I really am on a quest to be a better person. Then as I was in the check out line (only 3 people long this time), I noticed the old lady and the young man in front of me. She was very weathered and tan and he was young, about 10 and was wearing a ball jersey and some old tennis shoes. I overheard their conversation as I was waiting behind them in line. She was sorting through the items in the buggy and I assume making sure she had enough money to pay for them. Mostly it looked like clothes for him as well as some baseball pants and a toy. He was trying to get her to put back some of the clothes because he thought they were too expensive. He asked her how much a pair of khaki shorts were and she said $10, and he said that was too much for clothes and tried to put them back. She wouldn't let him and told him he needed the clothes. Then he tried to put back his baseball pants and she put them back in the cart and said they were getting all of it. I felt horrible. Here I was judging these people whom I knew nothing about. Judging them based on their clothes, looks, etc. The people in front of me were obviously poor and the kid needed clothes. His grandmother was buying him some clothes because for whatever reason his parents couldn't, and he thought $10 was a lot to pay for a pair of pants. Holly, my dog, has shirts that cost more than that. I felt like such an asshole. I have never been poor, I have never been even close to being poor. My parents spoiled me and I haven't ever worried about where my next meal was coming from or even whether or not someone had enough money to buy me pants. When I was 10, I would have thrown away pants before i would have worn pants from Wal Mart. I might still have trouble wearing wal mart pants. That woman looked like she had worked hard for a living, maybe even outside in the sun. I have worked in an office since I was a kid. I never get my hands dirty or a sunburn at work. I am a spoiled, selfish brat. I wish I had an extra $100 that day because I would have bought that old woman's items. I do know that if she had put anything back, I would have paid for it and then chased her down and given it to her. I made up my mind that if I do ever have extra money in my life I am going to make a point to go to Wal Mart as often as I can and pay for random people's items.I consider myself a Republican and have a huge problem with most social programs. I hate the waste involved with the system and the overhead we spend just managing the whole mess. Maybe I need to rethink why I am a Republican. Is it because I am a snob that never had to work hard for anything? Maybe if my parents had been the recipients of some social welfare I would feel differently. Thoughts?

State of the Union/Saints Super Bowl

What I would do if I were elected President....1. Prison reform and re-education of all prisoners. Put them to work - make money on them using them to improve infrastructure 2. Reform the education system in America to be the best in the world plus cheap or free state colleges 3. Use my executive order and line item veto to cut earmarks out of the budget - period. 4. Cut useless government jobs and reducate or retire useless workers to make them productive - use the money elsewhere. 5. Need more time to think on 5.
I had to gloat that apparently Obama has stolen my ideas. As most of you know, I am a fiscal conservative and generally socially liberal, but I identify with the Republican Party because apparently I am a sellout and care more about making money than my values (not my words - LOL!). I am just glad they don't have Jindel talking again this time. He was a total embarrassment to Louisiana. I think I will have a few more political blogs before I get this out of my system. Feel free to tell me I am a moron - or try to make me see it your way.

BTW: SAINTS SUPERBOWL!!!!! SAINTS SUPERBOWL!!!!!!!!!
We are going to the freaking Superbowl. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_yneL9f-2c
WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Let's all kill gays and jews in a video game!

Ok - so I might be going to Hell for this post, but I think it is funny and potentially worth it. So Lisa and I were talking about video games and somehow we decided I should make a Jesus themed video game. I then decided to see what was available in the genre. Apparently it is chock full of boring ass games that only the lamest kid would play. Who wants to go on a fantastic voyage to read bible verses and then travel around and visit with people? Not I, nor any child that isn't a Dugger. I found one somewhat promising game, the picture above is taken from the game, where Jesus, the Prophet Muhammad, Buddha, God and the Hindu god Ganesh fight each other against a backdrop of burning buildings. It is called "Faith Fighter." That might not be too bad. I pictured a Mortal Kombat setting with some godlike figures using their special powers to rip out spinal cords. Not quite as cool, and the game designers offer other gems such as PedoPriest and Queerpower, where I think gays fight priests. Kind of lame in my opinion. Another option is . Click and you can see for yourself this is a market that needs lots of help. See below for a tiny screenshot of the main page.

Pretty sad. I wondered, what was a cool kid that wanted to have a Jesus video game to do? There had to be a better option. So I kept searching. I found what I thought would be my game.....the Left Behind people have made a video game. I knew when I read the name of the game that I would not be disappointed. And I am not. In the words of one of the reviewers, "Jesus Loves A Machine Gun / It's the new "Left Behind" video game where you maim and murder and hate all in God's name. Praise!" In the words of the video game advertisement itself, "Imagine: you are a foot soldier in a paramilitary group whose purpose is to remake America as a Christian theocracy and establish its worldly vision of the dominion of Christ over all aspects of life. You are issued high-tech military weaponry and instructed to engage the infidel on the streets of New York City. You are on a mission -- both a religious mission and a military mission -- to convert or kill Catholics Jews Muslims Buddhists gays and anyone who advocates the separation of church and state -- especially moderate mainstream Christians. Your mission is 'to conduct physical and spiritual warfare'; all who resist must be taken out with extreme prejudice." SWEET! I can't wait to buy this game and smite all the non-believers that get in my way. Then I learn that I can even choose to fight on the side of the anti-Christ. Imagine my joy at knowing now I can shoot all the stupid happy Christians. Maybe I even get to have red skin. Can someone please buy me this game for my birthday this year?
I don't think I can go another year without playing it. If I wasn't already in my pajamas and it wasn't windy outside and I didn't just take a shower and if it wasn't January and if I wasn't a little sleepy and if I didn't have an open soda I might just run right out and buy it right now. Look at the awesome game cover art. Why oh why can't they make this game for the PS3? I would totally buy it when it went in the bargain bin at Best Buy. Ok so I still think I could make a better game than this one. Here are some of the ideas for my game....Players could choose whether they wanted to be good or evil, and have the option of either being converted or sell their soul during the game. Once a side is chosen, then they can choose to play on the Good Side as Jesus or one of his disciples. On the evil side, you can be Judas or the Devil, or just some random Pharisee. Then not only do you fight the other side, you try to convert the masses and win converts to your side. Of course there is a time machine and the players can jump through time. Of course there are also ZOMBIES just because I like them so much. Whatever you kill will come back to life and make another attempt to get you. You can hurl all the racial and sexist slurs you want in the privacy of your own home. The bonus level will be where you join forces with your enemy and fight the French and the hippies. Why you ask? EVERYONE HATES HIPPIES AND THE FRENCH! This is common knowledge. Admit it, you hate them, too. You wish you could walk right up to a commune and lob a grenade or better yet break out the heavy armor and hit them with water cannons. I know I do. Then after defeating those enemies, you return to your battle. I think this is a great concept. Now I just need funding and some people to help me develop it. Anyone up for the task?

High Fructose Corn Syrup and Soda

I have been a soda snob for way longer than it has been hip to do so. I have been searching out Mexican Coca Cola since I lived in Arkansas. When I was younger, I didn't know why they tasted better, I only knew they did. As an adult I learned about high fructose corn syrup and how it was the main ingredient in sodas. I read a book called The Omnivore's Dilemna and learned a lot about corn. I haven't made up my mind whether corn is the devil or not, and I am not a vegan hippy, but I do think that we should return to using more natural ingredients in food. Preservatives make food cheap and accessable to many people, but these same people are getting fatter and less healthy because of it. We are smart people and have technology our grandparents never even dreamed of. We should be able to feed the people without making them fat and diabetic. It just takes some science and rethinking of the way we use farm subsidies. I think it is ironic that now Pepsi has brought back some of their drinks with REAL sugar and throwback packaging. This isn't the first time they have done this. In 2002, I managed to get my hands on 3 twelve packs of Pepsi made with real sugar. They were delicious and I made them last. This time I got the last twelve pack of retro Mountain Dew from Target. I wish I had been there earlier and bought more when they had them. I like going to Whole Foods to buy their sodas because they have either real sugar. Sometimes they say cane sugar instead of sugar, but I would have to do more research to see what the difference is. I wonder what the cost difference is between the sodas made with the HFCS and the sugar is. I noticed there was no calorie difference between the two. If anyone knows where I can get Mexican Coca Cola in town or where more of this delicious Mountain Dew can be found, please let me know.

Cooking and 2010

I enjoy food and I love cooking, but I seem to be stuck in a cooking rut. I keep making the same 5 or 6 things over and over again and they seem to always involve chicken and ground beef. Lisa said no mas and bought me an awesome cook book. I also discovered and found some amazing recipes. I need to invest in some decent pans and pots and after a trip to Williams Sonoma this weekend I am in love with the pans pictured above. Unfortunately they cost a lot and I will have to save up for them, but I think they will be worth it.

Lisa received some weird gifts for Christmas and our New Year's tradition is that I return whatever I can to Wal Mart. After being frisked and checked to make sure none of my items were stolen, they gave me a store credit card. Woohoo. Free money. I wish I could return things to Whole Foods but unfortunately they don't carry crap. I must be on an Asian kick because all of the recipes I picked to try this week are Asian inspired. Hopefully even with my crappy equipment and limited work space, I can make something different and tasty.

On a whole different note, I am creeped out by Latisse. How the F can your eyes turn a different color? Why would you want to have freaky eyelid skin darkening just to get some thicker lashes? I already have some decent lashes, but damn!

Football and beer and my grandpa

Still watching the Texas Alabama game and holding out hope that the Longhorns will win. Probably not going to happen after the quarterback just fumbled and gave Bama the ball on the 3. It is not just my hatred of the Crimson Tide that fuels me but I also actually happen to be a Texas fan. I even have a hat that I wear pretty frequently, especially when in Arkansas. I can't imagine what Colt McCoy is thinking right now. I know what his freshman replacement is thinking. Probably a combination of "Oh Shit" and "This is what I have dreamed about all year!"
My head is still hurting, but I am hoping that my Pabst beer will fix that. Yes, I am drinking Pabst. I like it and it is cheap. It makes me feel old school, like I am drinking with my grandfather. Ok, he drank Shaefer? which was pretty nasty, but in my false memories he was drinking Pabst. I never knew my grandfather probably had a drinking problem until he had Alzheimer's. He had collapsed in the yard, a combination of sunstoke and heavy drinking, when my grandmother decided to unload all of the stories of his drinking and driving and drinking and hiding by the freezer out back. I think the time he got struck by lightning he was probably drunk off his butt. Why else would you be standing by a metal freezer outside in a thunderstorm? I have many memories of him. Mostly the smell of Old English and chewing tobacco. He once showed me his WWII pictures and they were haunting. He apparently liberated concentration camps. I had nightmares about seeing the pictures of the gas chambers and the bodies. I also saw the living and they were scarier than the dead. Seeing the pictures on real paper was different than seeing them in the history books. It meant they were real. Too bad all the people that think the Holocaust was fake didn't sit with my grandfather and have him turn the pages of his yellowed photo album. It was an emotional experience for him, even 50 years later.
Before my grandfather's mind was lost forever to his dementia, he would show me his medals and his military papers. I could see his whole military career in those papers. He joined up and went to Normandy and landed in occupied France on a glider. He was part of the 82nd Airborne and he was proud of it. He went all the way through Germany to the Hitler retreats in the mountains. He had pictures from inside the castles. I can only imagine what he saw and did during that time in Europe.
Now his mind is gone and he believes his nursing home is his barracks in England before he landed during DDay. He thinks the other men are soldiers and the women nurses. He doesn't know who I am. He barely knows who he is. It is a sad ending for a member of our greatest generation. I will miss him when he is gone and regret that I didn't spend more time sitting with him and letting him reminisce. I will finish my Pabst and think of him as he looked in his pictures, young and strong and handsome.

No Heat in NOLA

This makes day 3 without a reliable heater. The one my landlord loaned me makes my head hurt after a few hours so I am trying to stay away from it. I was wrapped up from head to toe but I gave that up because I ran out of clean clothes. The sad story continues because my dryer is broken and I would have to go to the laundrymat to wash the clothes. I decided to live dangerously wearing only shorts and a T-shirt and just getting under the throw. I just want the weather to change and warm up. I am tired of the cold and I am sure my electric meter is spinning wildly from the plug in heaters. The hampster seems fine. I have her sitting a few feet from the heater that doesn't put up weird fumes. She just runs in her wheel and then when she gets tired, burrows down into her eco-friendly sawdust.

My school started today. One class looks to be pretty interesting, marketing. Even the book was made recently. The other one, finance, appears to have an ancient professor that wants to bore me to death. Analyzing balance sheets! Woohoo! I can't wait.

I am off to bed, hoping the headache doesn't kill me. Before you think i am dying from gas fumes, I believe the headache has originated because I accidently bought caffeine free diet chek soda. Now I have to drink it and it doesn't fuel my caffeine addiction. Dammit.

Back to blogging again

I have a hard time blogging on a daily basis, but this year one of my resolutions was to try and blog daily. My other resolutions are to eat healthier and to read more books this year. Since I last blogged here are a few updates: I still live in New Orleans with Lisa and the dog. We now have a hampster named Pixel. It is a long story how we came to possess the hampster. I still have my Jeep. Lisa is halfway through her Junior year at Loyola. I am still in the MBA program at Mississippi State. I would like to learn how to cook, but after giving Lisa and I salmonella from bad chicken juice, I am a little scared right now to begin cooking with gusto. I got a PS3 for Christmas from Lisa. This was exciting, although no one else probably cares. I work from home a lot now. I like this, but I do miss the people aspect of my old job. i think I will do significant traveling later in the year, so I should enjoy it while I can.

I will probably blog about life in New Orleans and maybe even a short story or two thrown in. I miss writing and it is something that I enjoy. I miss shocking the ladies in the creative writing class I took at UALR.